2. A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
3. Only two things are neccessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
4. A successful banker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along and completely tore off the driver's door. The banker immediately grabbed his cell-phone, dialled 999, and after five minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the banker
started screaming hysterically. His car was completely ruined. After the banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bankers are," he said.
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the banker arrogantly.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Hell !!" screamed the banker."Where is my Rolex?"
5.An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist,
"Paint me with diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he protested.
"I know," she said. "But in case I die before my husband, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jwellery."
6.A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do.....anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"
"Anything." She replies
Professor's voice turns to a whisper,"Would you......study?".
7.A bumper sticker in Portugal reads: Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
8.** MARRIAGE MOANS:**
* Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence --- a life sentence.
*Marriage is very much like a violin; the strings are still attached.
*Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
*Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and women gets her Masters.
*Getting married is very much like going to the restaurent with friends ... You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
*It's true; all men are born free and equal--- but some of them get married.
9.One day, Adam sat outside the garden of Eden, shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women.
Looking up to the heavens he says:"Excuse me God. Can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied:"Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says:"When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curvy, unlike mine?"
"I did that Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then why did you make her so stupid?"
"So that she could love you."
10.Her and His New Year Resolutions:-
X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
X: Workout--jog/step bench five times a week
Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
X: Go on romantic second date with Bob from accounting
Y: Score on second date with Suzy from markting
X: Subscribe to fitness magazine.
Y: Call 1-800 number to get on 'Victoria's Secret' catalogue mailing list.
X: Get organised and clean house.
Y: Give old 'Penthouse' mags to Goodwill.
X: Read more and watch less TV.
Y: Buy dish---get more sports channels!!
11.Benefits of being female:-
# We got off the Titanic first.
# We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
# We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us
when we blow up our computers.
